we tune in tokyo

PLEASE DO NOT PUT YOUR SANITARY THING IN THE TOILET

((seen on Hostel wall in Akebonobashi, Tokyo))

So where were we?

That’s right, I was in Kobe and Alicia was getting her ryokan on in Osaka. We successfully made our rendez-vous on top of the Umeda Sky Building and convinced a superfluous guard to leave his post and take a Polaroid of us. Which is nice.

I had a Last Supper in Kobe with my sistah which included the world famous Kobe beef. She had to make a three hour trek home while I went on a solo bar-hopping mission, hitting a Frank Sinatra style bar where they served me a Suntory with a giant baseball shaped piece of ice (right down to the stitching). A cool Japanese dude then led me to a Rock and Blues bar where they were belting out Marvin Gaye and other classic hits – all the while a smashed German gaijin whistled at an excruciatingly loud decibel and close-talked with everyone. They finished and I started walking home for the night…when I saw a sign with a penguin on it saying Little Feat, so I went downstairs and discovered a bar that were playing Arrested Development and assorted hip hop goodness. The whole place stopped when I walked in…before the barman offered me the best seat at the bar and gave me sweet wafers and Suntory on ice.

Such cooool people.

I walked off to the toilet and then I realized why the bar was called Little Feat; there were three giant !penguins! (none of these Phillip Island midgets) in an enclosure, swimming around and being mischievous. Which reminds me of another Happy Fun Time I had with animals in Japan::

ALFRED HITCHOCK SAN

In Hase, we went to the ugliest beach you can possibly imagine. But I still HAD to swim, as the water was warmer than a toddler’s pool. I ran towards the ocean and jumped over three Japanese girls who were picking up shells and then waded in. 

After a while I returned to the shore and got dry and noticed  the giant hawks that were gliding above us. They looked very keen on our rice crackers…so I threw a rice cracker in the air to see if they would go for it…. SHAZAAAAM, one swooped down, caught it perfectly with its claws and chomped away. After a few more successful catches the sky was full of about 40-50 hawks – some as close as three metres above us - all taking classic catches while red rum ravens waited for the scraps below. It was an unnerving, eye-staggering spectacle…we all referenced Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds…then left the beach, unpecked.

I told the giant hawks they may have a job in Australia if we make the grand final.

~^~ ~^~ ~^~~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ (not Mt Fuji)

Let’s hijack this Blog In Japan now and break it down into numbers:

1 – Porceline hug.

6 – Photos taken by Japanese people of me. I had to overcome the shyness.

178 – Number of sneezes by my sister Pip.

1.5 – Number of massages from a blind Japanese geriatric. He was nervous because he didn’t speak any English, but I assured him through an interpreter we didn’t need to make idle chit chat. One of his manouveres was to gently punch me in the head. It felt surprisingly soothing. And there was NO HAPPY ENDING.

32 – Guyoza dumplings consumed.

45,698 - Grains of rice consumed.

2 – Number of solo-clubbing missions —- check the latest installment here:

http://www.residentadvisor.net/review-view.aspx?id=5268

3 – Number of Elite Banana chopstick sets purchased.

5 - Karaoke classics

1. Singing Rust for Rife by Iggy Pop
2. Watching Alicia Kish Kash stand on the couches and rap We Want Some Pussy
3. Losing our shit to Common People by Pulp.
4. Discovering that Parklife by Blur is the Greatest. Karaoke. Song. Ever.
5. Hitting the falsetto on Controversy by Prince. Pity the Outro went for about 4 days.

 4 – Tears during Ratoutille on our delirious JetStar flight home. I love that little guy (sniff).

8 -  Number of times I got lost. Pretty good going for me.

4 – Number of awkward do-I-shut-the-cab-door-or-will-it-shut-itself-ummm moments. They do in fact shut themselves.

3 – Intense hangovers.

3.23 – The number of minutes it took for my sushi Bentos to be confiscated by Customs after a sniffer dog at Sydney Airport had “paid particular attention to my bag.”

6 – Temples/Shrines/Castles visited.

The most beautiful: Ichinomaya in Shi-So City. Blisssss.

The Ugliest: The Golden Temple in Kyoto. Bleeeugh.

The Raddest: Himeji Castle. I overheard an American tourguide say “And this is where the Samurai would hide, before ambushing their attackers and killing them with their swords.”

400+ - Number of ads that I watched..and loved..and re-watched. Honestly, the ads are better than the television shows.

56 – Number of hunchbacked ye olde dudes I avoided bustling over.

3 – Number of days spent freeballing. It was hot OK! Alright alright, I couldn’t be bothered washing that much. What? NO! Washing my clothes damn you!

12 – The amount of times per day I fell in love at first sight with Japanese chicks.

64 – The number of flying Astro Boys seen hanging up in bars/shops/toilets.

21 – Television appearances by the new Sumo Wrestling champion, a Bulgarian guy called Kaloyan Mahlyanov that the Japanese have taken to their hearts. He is the only sumo wrestler with a fukaree rug on his chest ((thanks ben wise for that gag)) and he is being called the David Beckham of Sumo. Um, you be the judge from this photo: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6f/Kotooshu.jpg

Thanks for reading, sexxxy mofos, we couldn’t have done it without you.

Thanks Japan, I’ll write to you every day, don’t forget to Fed-Ex fresh Ramen to my house in North Carlton.

love to all

Mikey Guyoza

xoxo

~^~

And lucky last:

http://gawker.com/5009573/japans-version-of-the-office